Wisdom for the Wary, Witty, and Wise
(Top Posts - Philosophy (General) - 040201)

Nothing defines humans better than their
willingness to do irrational things in the
pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs.
This is the principle behind lotteries, dating
and religion.
-"The Dilbert Principle"

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"And what if we picked the wrong religion?
Every week, we're just making God madder
and madder!"
-Homer, 'Homer the Heretic'

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"God has no place within these walls (school),
just like facts have no place within organized
religion!"
- Superintendent Chalmers

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"Boy, everyone is stupid except me."
-Homer Simpson, 'Homer the Heretic'

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"Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't
like you. But let's just do this, and I can get back
to killing you with beer." Also, (paraphrased) ...
"ahhh, beer, the cause and solution to all of life's
problems."
-Homer Simpson

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I think somebody should come up with a way
to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you
could ride him, then after you camped at night,
you could eat him. How about it, science?
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so
that you could make the earth spin real fast
and freak everybody out.
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,
I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go
over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,
but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side
of its head with a note that says "You." After
that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a
cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if
he asks why God is crying, another cute thing
to tell him is "Probably because of something
you did."
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts

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If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone
with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down
his throat).
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look
up at the stars,I think to myself, "Man! I really
need to fix that roof."
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
-Jack Handey (Deep Thoughts)

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My young brother asked me what happens after
we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of
dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-that most of us go to Hell
and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.
- Anonymous child, age 10

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The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen... The world's
climates are changing, the mammals are taking over,
and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut.
-Some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson

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Gentlemen, gentlemen! You can't fight in here!
This is the war room!
-Doctor Strangelove

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Religion is fundamentally opposed to everything
I hold in veneration - courage, clear thinking,
honesty, fairness, and, above all, love of the truth.
-Henry Louis Mencken

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Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not
to doubt.
-Clarence Darrow

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If you think women are the weaker sex, think again.
When it comes to relationships, women wield the
real power--and always have.
-Dr. Richard Driscoll (evolutionary psychologist)

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When we lose the right to be different, we lose
the privilege to be free.
-Charles Evans Hughes

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A free society is one where it is safe to be
unpopular.
-Adlai Stevenson

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The Bible is not my book, and Christianity is
not my religion. I could never give assent to the
long, complicated statements of Christian dogma.
-Abraham Lincoln

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We hold these truths to be self-evident, that
all men are created equal, that they are endowed
by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights,
that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit
of Happiness.
-U.S. Declaration of Independence

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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental
ills of society. If we're looking for the source of
our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs,
we should test them for stupidity, ignorance,
greed, and love of power.
-P. J. O'Rourke

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The more joy and happiness you can bring to
yourself and to others, the better off you and
others are.
-Pro-Humanist FREELOVER

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Now is all you'll ever have.
-Pro-Humanist FREELOVER

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By the way, the lucky one of the millions of
sperm that, on that fateful journey, fertilized
the egg that became you, what if that sperm
had, I dunno, hiccuped or something? You
wouldn't be here, now would you?
-Pro-Humanist FREELOVER

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If humans had evolved from animals, we'd
all be sitting around arguing about religion,
wouldn't we?
-Pro-Humanist FREELOVER

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Greetings, I am pleased to see that we are
different. May we together become greater
than the sum of both of us.
-Vulcan greeting

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A boss creates fear, a leader confidence.
A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes.
A boss knows all, a leader asks questions.
A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes
it interesting.
A boss is interested in himself or herself,
a leader is interested in the group.
-Russell H. Ewing

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There are Cains in 'the real world,' both male
and female. Cains operate in every kind of
organization -- corporate, political, academic,
military, even charitable. ... Cain is a backstabber
and a liar. He is a self-motivated, manipulative
and ruthless individual. He aims to control people
and situations for his own advancement, using
a variety of tactics to accomplish his goals. Cain
is eager to do favors -- especially when he has to
'bend the rules' or 'shade the truth' to do so -- be-
cause it gives him leverage with people. He doesn't
want to hear 'Thank you.' He wants to say, 'You
owe me.' To Cain, these are the three sweetest
words in the English language.
-Gerry Lange and Todd Domke

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day.
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while
praying for a fish.
-Timothy Jones

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The invisible and the non-existent look very much
alike.
-Delos B. McKown

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They came with a bible and their religion -- stole
our land, crushed our spirit . . . and now tell us
we should be thankful to the "lord" for being
saved.
-Chief Pontiac

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A grim pattern is visible in history. When religion
is the ruling force in a society, it produces horror.
The stronger the supernatural beliefs, the worse
the inhumanity. A culture dominated by intense
faith is cruel to people who don't share that
faith--and sometimes to many who do.
-James Haught (Holy Horrors)

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Some men see things as they are and ask
why. Others dream things that never were
and ask why not.
-George Bernard Shaw

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It is not disbelief that is dangerous to our
society, it is belief.
-George Bernard Shaw

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Religion is a terrific meme. That's right. But
that doesn't make it true and I care about
what's true. Smallpox virus is a terrific virus.
It does its job magnificently well. That doesn't
mean that it's a good thing. It doesn't mean
that I don't want to see it stamped out.
-Richard Dawkins

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To those searching for truth -- not the truth
of dogma and darkness but the truth brought
by reason, search, examination, and inquiry,
discipline is required. For faith, as well inten-
tioned as it may be, must be built on facts,
not fiction -- faith in fiction is a damnable
false hope.
-Thomas A. Edison

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To be or not to be, that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
or to take arms [paraphrase - to take action
and use logic and reason] against a sea of
troubles [paraphrase - unknowns] and by
opposing [paraphrase - using science, logic,
reason, and human resources], end them.
-William Shakespeare

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This above all: to thine own self be true.
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
-William Shakespeare

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Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try,
No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine
all the people living for today... You may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, I hope
some day you'll join us, And the world will live
as one.
-John Lennon

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Intellectual growth should commence at birth
and cease only at death.
-Albert Einstein

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The further the spiritual evolution of mankind
advances, the more certain it seems to me that
the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through
the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind
faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.
-Albert Einstein

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If I had three wishes, I wish this had never happened,
I wish I didn't have to go to Columbine some day,
and I wish people didn't die.
-From a news reporter's 10-year old daughter
attending an elementary school just four blocks
from Columbine, commenting to her mom before
going to bed, shortly after the shooting tragedy
in 1999

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Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got
to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good
at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that
the problems of three little people don't amount to
a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll
understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at
you kid.
-Rick (Humphrey Bogart, Casablanca, 1942)